… friday funnies …
~*HAPPY FRIDAY*~
Posts Tagged ‘random’
2 Mar
oh, the places you’ll go
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
inspiring and encouraging children to read with his witty rhymes and colorful characters :0)
and def the first author i fell in love with!
“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.”
― Dr. Seuss
~*HAPPY FRIDAY too*~
9 Feb
fun with words
straight from the birthday girl to my inbox – a little FUN with WORDS
(thanks D and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!)
The Philosophy of Ambiguity
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
Please enjoy and understand the following
DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS & APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS & APES?
THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE..
DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?
WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?
WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?
WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
21 Dec
holiday cupcakes
keeping up the holiday spirit i got started yesterday – check out these cupcakes, almost too cute to eat… almost
*<:0)
30 Nov
coneheads & puns
hey look, its the Headless Horseman! no wait, that’s just Buddy with an E-collar on… poor guy :0(
he injured his tail, so to let it heal without him constantly nibbling on it, the collar has to be used. its kind of funny at times, watching him knock all over the house, he’s become our personal furniture re-arranger. but also kind of sad looking at the same time – look at this mopey face!
B: "My head's heavy, my tail's heavy... I don't like this at all"
lightening the mood, a total Mel-ish email was forwarded to me the other day, i think i cracked up out loud at just about all of these :0)
ALL PUNS INTENDED
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”
13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
19. Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) … A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21 Nov
patiently waiting
i know it happens every year… what store is going to be the first to break out their Christmas/Holiday decor, sales and deals?! is it going to be right after Halloween, or maybe they’ll sneak it in right after Labor Day and no one will know the difference.
i dont know about you, but i kind of like enjoying the harvesting time and the thanks and grateful-ness that falls around thanksgiving season
ill admit it though, no sooner am i making a leftover turkey sandwich for lunch on the friday after thanksgiving are the boxes being pulled from the attic so i can warp into turbo-decorating mode for the day…
but for now, i am patiently and gratefully awaiting the arrival of my favorite holiday of them all, when i get to:
spend the morning baking and preparing food for the evening’s affair
all while catching glimpses of the Macy’s parade, you are never too old to enjoy it
oogle over the beautiful dogs on the National dog show
spend the afternoon and night feasting on great food
in the company of wonderful family and friends
and taking some ‘breaks’ with a cold one to catch up 0n the football games
what is there not to LOVE about this day?!
18 Oct
more healing foods
along the same lines as yesterday’s post on fall foods that can alleviate seasonal allergy symptoms, i found some foods on the web that not only taste great but are shown to boost your immune system
boosted immune systems = less colds and flus and feeling like garbage
who want to feel crummy when there are holiday parties to attend, pumpkins and apples to pick, presents to shop for?!
try adding some of these foods to your diet this season for a great immunity BOOST:
Brazil Nuts
contain lots of selenium, which boosts production of T-cells production, a type of white blood cell that fights infection (ie destroy bacteria and viruses)
Chicken Soup
blocks the migration of inflammatory white cells
contains the amino acid cysteine, which is released from chicken during cooking
the salty broth keeps mucus thin
Fish
also contains selenium
rich in omega-3 fats, which reduce inflammation
Kiwis
contain high levels of vitamin C, which helps increase your resistance to disease and keeps your defenses strong
Garlic
contains the active ingredient allicin, which fights infection and bacteria
contains polysufides (a class of sulfur compounds) which combat bacteria, fungi, parasites, and viruses
Oats and Barley
contain beta-glucan, a type of fiber with antimicrobial and antioxidant capabilities more potent than echinacea
Oysters
high in protein, iron, calcium, and zinc
Shiitake Mushrooms
contains beta-glucans which boost your body’s immune response
Sunflower Seeds
contain lots of vitamin E, which also boosts production of T-cells
Sweet Potatoes
contains beta-carotene – an necessary antioxidant especially for your lungs and digestive system, which your body converts to vitamin A, that protects the thymus gland (where T-cells are produces)
Tea
contains the amino acid L-theanine
Yogurt
contains probiotics which are healthy bacteria that keep the gut and intestinal tract free of disease-causing germs
15 Sep
truths
an email fwd from a funny lady friend:
1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Google Maps really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
:0)
12 Sep
i remember
the hubster and i started this post-race tradition of hitting up one of our favorite breakfast joints in town after my races to have a celebratory eggs, bacon and hashbrown goodness… in fact, most of the time, on the last leg of my race, i start fantasizing about that plate of food!
i don’t have this magnet on my stove for nuthin’
chewed on by the lovely Lexi-monster!
when we just finished up eating i noticed this sign hanging on the wall behind us
and couldnt help but think, ‘so dayum tru!’
if i hadnt put myself up to the challenege last year, how could i ever know today that i could not only complete 3 triathlons, but continue to kick my last event’s time in the butt?!
i finished 65th out of 1600 participants and 6th in my age division… and last year it was 299th out of 1438 and 15th in my age division.
seeing progress in my race times and placings just reaffirms the fact to me that whatever i am doing in training is paying off and e.v.e.r.y single day i am learn something new about all of it!
so yesterday morning when we walked over to the start of the race on pretty much the exact same beach where i stood just ten years ago during highschool, watching black smoke pluming from the twin towers… lets just say the normal emotions that are flying through my body and mind at the start of a race were def in super-turbo-overdrive mode. the moment of silence and the national anthem left me with some salty jewels trickling down my cheeks
we were all there that morning with the same mindset, and true to typical american spirit, the commraderie, patriotism and rememberance weren’t skipping any beats. in fact, we all got some sweet high fives for the american flags we markered on for the race:
the day was great! mother nature showered us on the bike ride for a bit… but i looked at it like ‘thanks for cleaning the salt water off of me from the swim’. even though it caused me to drop my water bottle because my hands were so slippery :0) and one of my fave parts was having cuzz right along side of me for the entire leg of the swim. i kept looking over at her and the smile on her face warmed my soul. we high-fived in the water and she tells me ‘this is SO COOL – I’m hooked!’
(AWESOME job on your first TRI cuzzy-cuzz – here’s to MANY more)
another one bites the dust, but i’m not done with the season yet!
just signed up for a duathlon in october and a 5-mile run in november… what more is to come?
who knows… as long as proceeds go to a good cause and its a good challenge, i’m there!
p.s. still flyin high from the tri :0)
P.S.S. there’s still time to enter into the salsa giveaway – just leave a comment letting me know if you want a pint or half-pint and i’ll pull together a drawing shortly!
